The characters of "Combat!"...oh for cryin' out loud, you know they don't belong to
me. Copyright 2003 (yeah, in my dreams) by Mel
A Day...um, Hour?...In the Life of a Fanfic Character
“Oh for the love of…hurry up, Kirby!�
“Hey, this is the first chance I’ve had to go in ages, leave me alone.� The
muffled voice from the other side of the closed door sounded suspiciously smug.
“Kirby, if you aren’t out of there in two minutes, I swear I’ll break the door
down.�
After taking nearly every bit of those two minutes, Kirby unlocked the door and walked
out of the little room as he wiped his wet hands on his pants. “It’s all yours,
Littlejohn.�
Before the big soldier could get through the door, another body slipped past his. The
door shut in Littlejohn’s face as he heard the click of the lock. “Doc! I canâ
€™t believe you did that. It’s my turn.â€�
A snort of laughter behind him made Littlejohn spin around, shooting Caje an angry
glare. “Well it was. I feel like I’m gonna burst.�
“Ah, c’mon. You can sneak off more often to use the john than I can. Jeez, Iâ
€™m in nearly every story.â€�
“Is that my fault? At least you don’t have to carry the stretcher as much as I
do. I think my arms are gonna fall off.�
An indignant, “Hey!� came from inside the bathroom. “Okay, so maybe Doc
carries it more than I do. Still, the damn thing gets heavy. And it’s usually you or
the Sarge taking it easy while we carry you.�
“Hey, you think I like it? If they ain’t shooting me or stabbing me, I’m
getting beat up by somebody. It’s almost as if they like doing that to me.�
Another indignant “Hey!â€� from the bathroom had Caje shaking his head. “Itâ
€™s not even the same, Doc. They hardly do much more than give you a flesh wound.
�
Opening the door, Doc wiped his hands on a towel. “Hey, I’ve been killed off
once or twice ya know.�
“Not very often. I think they’re afraid of the readers turning on ‘em if they
do. Besides, they have to keep you alive to take care of me.�
“Yeah, yeah. Seems like that’s all I do is bandage up you and Sarge.�
All three stepped back in surprise as someone flashed past Doc into the bathroom,
slamming the door behind him. A plaintive wail from Littlejohn announced the blurâ
€™s identity.
“Saaarge! I gotta go!�
A certain amount of relief colored the response from their sergeant. “Cross your
legs, Littlejohn. I just had to hold it for over fifty pages.�
Groaning in agony, Littlejohn did as Saunders suggested. He added a little dance to it,
looking for all the world like a five-year-old who’d waited too long to go. â
€œSaaarge.â€�
“Zip it, Littlejohn. Rank hath its privileges.�
“In that case, shouldn’t I have my turn first?�
Chuckling at the sight of their lieutenant standing there, imitating Littlejohn’s painful
stance, the others shared a smile. It was nice to see someone else having to wait his
turn.
Several others lined up behind Hanley and Caje did a double take. “Doc Walton?
Jeez, where’ve you been?�
Shooting the Arkansas medic a dark glance, Doc Walton crossed his arms and frowned.
“Ah, I’ve been sitting in that damn extras room for ages. For some reason they
like him better than me.�
Covering his mouth with his hand, McCall muttered, “Maybe ‘cause you ain’t
got a personality.�
“What was that?�
Pasting an innocent look on his face, McCall shrugged. “I didn’t say anything.â
€�
Doc…uh, the second one…was looking fairly smug. He couldn’t help it that he
gave them more to work with.
When the door opened once more, Littlejohn shot the others such a look of death that
nobody dared enter before he did.
Seeing the group gathered around the latrine, Saunders tried to appear stern. “What
is everyone doing here? Don’t you have Germans to be killing, or getting
yourselves wounded or something?�
Taking a quick headcount, Doc shrugged. “Billy must be out there somewhere,
doing something. I shudder to think what they’re doing to him right now.�
“Hey, if they’re busy with him maybe we can catch a little break.�
“Don’t kid yourself, Kirby. You know he’ll end up in trouble somehow and
you guys will have to save his butt. Then I’ll have to bandage it.�
“Well I sure ain’t gonna bandage his butt.�
“Shut up, Kirby.�
Shaking his head, Saunders seemed to be actually worried. “They’re up to
something. I can feel it. It’s like they’re all comparing notes and conspiring to
hurt us.�
“You’re paranoid, Sarge.�
Looking around, Caje shivered. “No, he’s right. Like they’re all conspiring
to wound me or make me suffer.�
“Get over yourself, Caje.�
“Shut up, McCall. You lead a fairly charmed life here. And you get more bathroom
breaks than we do.�
“What I wanna know is, how come all those times I play poker they can’t make
me win more often?�
“Good grief, Kirby. Is that all you can think about?�
“Well…yeah.�
Rolling his eyes, Caje gestured to Doc…uh, the second one. “Can you believe this
guy?�
“Quite frankly, no.�
This time the indignant, “Hey!� came from Kirby. “You’re supposed to
be neutral, Doc.�
“Yeah, right. Now that I can tell you how I really feel…you’re a pain in the
neck, Kirby.�
“Jeez, ya think ya know who your friends are.�
An undefined…something…had Caje, Kirby, Doc and Saunders looking up and
frowning. Littlejohn stumbled through the door, still zipping up his pants. “Ah,
man. What are they doing to us this time?�
With a collective groan, the five men gathered up their equipment and headed back intoâ
€¦well, wherever they came from.
The blurred form of Billy Nelson whizzed past on the way to the bathroom. “Your
turn guys. Gotta go.�
“Swell.� Looking back at his sergeant, Kirby raised his eyebrows. “Whose
turn is it to go first this time, Sarge?�
“Yours.�
“Aw, man. You know they’ll pick on the first one they see.�
“Better to get it over and done with, soldier.�
“Aw, man.�
Kirby disappeared into the void, where an echo of evil laughter could be heard. Caje
shot Saunders a puzzled look. “It wasn’t really Kirby’s turn, was it?�
“No, it was mine. But I sure as hell wasn’t going first. They’d have had a
field day with that.� Looking at the others, Saunders gathered his resolve. And his
courage. “Well, men. Guess it’s time.�
Rifling through his bag, Doc mumbled under his breath. “Hope I have enough
bandages. You can bet somebody’s gonna catch it.�
“Maybe they’ll be so busy with Kirby, they won’t notice us for a while.�
The hysterical laughter from his comrades that followed that comment made Caje cringe.
“I’m dead meat.�
The evil laughter echoing from around him pretty much confirmed his suspicions. Even
as the bullets began to whiz around him, Caje shook his head.
“Crazy writers. Jeez.�
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heheheh. Ahem, uh, The End.
me. Copyright 2003 (yeah, in my dreams) by Mel
A Day...um, Hour?...In the Life of a Fanfic Character
“Oh for the love of…hurry up, Kirby!�
“Hey, this is the first chance I’ve had to go in ages, leave me alone.� The
muffled voice from the other side of the closed door sounded suspiciously smug.
“Kirby, if you aren’t out of there in two minutes, I swear I’ll break the door
down.�
After taking nearly every bit of those two minutes, Kirby unlocked the door and walked
out of the little room as he wiped his wet hands on his pants. “It’s all yours,
Littlejohn.�
Before the big soldier could get through the door, another body slipped past his. The
door shut in Littlejohn’s face as he heard the click of the lock. “Doc! I canâ
€™t believe you did that. It’s my turn.â€�
A snort of laughter behind him made Littlejohn spin around, shooting Caje an angry
glare. “Well it was. I feel like I’m gonna burst.�
“Ah, c’mon. You can sneak off more often to use the john than I can. Jeez, Iâ
€™m in nearly every story.â€�
“Is that my fault? At least you don’t have to carry the stretcher as much as I
do. I think my arms are gonna fall off.�
An indignant, “Hey!� came from inside the bathroom. “Okay, so maybe Doc
carries it more than I do. Still, the damn thing gets heavy. And it’s usually you or
the Sarge taking it easy while we carry you.�
“Hey, you think I like it? If they ain’t shooting me or stabbing me, I’m
getting beat up by somebody. It’s almost as if they like doing that to me.�
Another indignant “Hey!â€� from the bathroom had Caje shaking his head. “Itâ
€™s not even the same, Doc. They hardly do much more than give you a flesh wound.
�
Opening the door, Doc wiped his hands on a towel. “Hey, I’ve been killed off
once or twice ya know.�
“Not very often. I think they’re afraid of the readers turning on ‘em if they
do. Besides, they have to keep you alive to take care of me.�
“Yeah, yeah. Seems like that’s all I do is bandage up you and Sarge.�
All three stepped back in surprise as someone flashed past Doc into the bathroom,
slamming the door behind him. A plaintive wail from Littlejohn announced the blurâ
€™s identity.
“Saaarge! I gotta go!�
A certain amount of relief colored the response from their sergeant. “Cross your
legs, Littlejohn. I just had to hold it for over fifty pages.�
Groaning in agony, Littlejohn did as Saunders suggested. He added a little dance to it,
looking for all the world like a five-year-old who’d waited too long to go. â
€œSaaarge.â€�
“Zip it, Littlejohn. Rank hath its privileges.�
“In that case, shouldn’t I have my turn first?�
Chuckling at the sight of their lieutenant standing there, imitating Littlejohn’s painful
stance, the others shared a smile. It was nice to see someone else having to wait his
turn.
Several others lined up behind Hanley and Caje did a double take. “Doc Walton?
Jeez, where’ve you been?�
Shooting the Arkansas medic a dark glance, Doc Walton crossed his arms and frowned.
“Ah, I’ve been sitting in that damn extras room for ages. For some reason they
like him better than me.�
Covering his mouth with his hand, McCall muttered, “Maybe ‘cause you ain’t
got a personality.�
“What was that?�
Pasting an innocent look on his face, McCall shrugged. “I didn’t say anything.â
€�
Doc…uh, the second one…was looking fairly smug. He couldn’t help it that he
gave them more to work with.
When the door opened once more, Littlejohn shot the others such a look of death that
nobody dared enter before he did.
Seeing the group gathered around the latrine, Saunders tried to appear stern. “What
is everyone doing here? Don’t you have Germans to be killing, or getting
yourselves wounded or something?�
Taking a quick headcount, Doc shrugged. “Billy must be out there somewhere,
doing something. I shudder to think what they’re doing to him right now.�
“Hey, if they’re busy with him maybe we can catch a little break.�
“Don’t kid yourself, Kirby. You know he’ll end up in trouble somehow and
you guys will have to save his butt. Then I’ll have to bandage it.�
“Well I sure ain’t gonna bandage his butt.�
“Shut up, Kirby.�
Shaking his head, Saunders seemed to be actually worried. “They’re up to
something. I can feel it. It’s like they’re all comparing notes and conspiring to
hurt us.�
“You’re paranoid, Sarge.�
Looking around, Caje shivered. “No, he’s right. Like they’re all conspiring
to wound me or make me suffer.�
“Get over yourself, Caje.�
“Shut up, McCall. You lead a fairly charmed life here. And you get more bathroom
breaks than we do.�
“What I wanna know is, how come all those times I play poker they can’t make
me win more often?�
“Good grief, Kirby. Is that all you can think about?�
“Well…yeah.�
Rolling his eyes, Caje gestured to Doc…uh, the second one. “Can you believe this
guy?�
“Quite frankly, no.�
This time the indignant, “Hey!� came from Kirby. “You’re supposed to
be neutral, Doc.�
“Yeah, right. Now that I can tell you how I really feel…you’re a pain in the
neck, Kirby.�
“Jeez, ya think ya know who your friends are.�
An undefined…something…had Caje, Kirby, Doc and Saunders looking up and
frowning. Littlejohn stumbled through the door, still zipping up his pants. “Ah,
man. What are they doing to us this time?�
With a collective groan, the five men gathered up their equipment and headed back intoâ
€¦well, wherever they came from.
The blurred form of Billy Nelson whizzed past on the way to the bathroom. “Your
turn guys. Gotta go.�
“Swell.� Looking back at his sergeant, Kirby raised his eyebrows. “Whose
turn is it to go first this time, Sarge?�
“Yours.�
“Aw, man. You know they’ll pick on the first one they see.�
“Better to get it over and done with, soldier.�
“Aw, man.�
Kirby disappeared into the void, where an echo of evil laughter could be heard. Caje
shot Saunders a puzzled look. “It wasn’t really Kirby’s turn, was it?�
“No, it was mine. But I sure as hell wasn’t going first. They’d have had a
field day with that.� Looking at the others, Saunders gathered his resolve. And his
courage. “Well, men. Guess it’s time.�
Rifling through his bag, Doc mumbled under his breath. “Hope I have enough
bandages. You can bet somebody’s gonna catch it.�
“Maybe they’ll be so busy with Kirby, they won’t notice us for a while.�
The hysterical laughter from his comrades that followed that comment made Caje cringe.
“I’m dead meat.�
The evil laughter echoing from around him pretty much confirmed his suspicions. Even
as the bullets began to whiz around him, Caje shook his head.
“Crazy writers. Jeez.�
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heheheh. Ahem, uh, The End.